Monday, December 13, 2010

New American Pickers

Hell yeah a new set of American Pickers! It's been so long. I don't even know what to say.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Bud Light Lime and Guinness is a bad idea

This week the CHristory Channel performed a beer experiment. What would happen if you made a half and half with Guinness and Bud Light Lime? Well I will tell you what happens...something terrible.

The damn thing tastes like soap. Smells like soap too. It was quite possibly the worst drink ever. The scary part is some kind of chemical reaction must have occurred with the lime flavor in order to produce this nastiness.

I wonder if that is how they make shampoo and hotel soap and stuff. Do they just reach for the Bud Light Lime when they run out of soap ingredients? Terrible.

Monday, October 25, 2010

American Restoration Review: It needs some body work

I watched American Restoration for the first time tonight. They need to work on this show. It just isn't as entertaining as Pawn Stars and it seems like they are just trying to copy it. The music is pretty much the same and you just feel like you are watching a Pawn Stars step child. The people even kind of talk the same. It just isn't working for me.

Rick also needs to gave have more charisma in his interview talking segments. He's boring which is sad to say because there is potential there. I just don't think this stuff can hold for an entire show.

What's worse is that they are taking my American Pickers time slot today which concerns me. I don't think I missed that finale, so the History Channel better not be stiffing me. But hey, maybe they can take a piece of trash and turn it into something beautiful.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

CHristory Channel Celebrates Road House

Today at work the daily discussion quickly turned to one of the best movies of the 80's, Road House.  This movie easily trumps the Steven Seagal movies mentioned previously for one simple reason:

In this movie, a table gets broken by a mans face.  

Road House presents the classic struggle of a seedy bar bouncer, Dalton, against the town tycoon.  In the process, Dalton gets the hot doctor girl and kicks some ass before taking down the big wig.  And as I said before, some dude in what looks like a Hawaiian shirt gets his face jacked up by a table.  Oh, and he also rips a guys throat out but that is not the most unbelievable part of the movie. 

The most ridiculous part of this movie is that there are 2 (count em... 2!) kind-of hillbilly mullet rocking dudes in this town that know full blown karate;  Dalton and the Dude That Got His Throat Ripped Out.  Who would have thought that of all the hick towns in the world that this place would have both of these guys?  DTGHTRO looks like he could sing some Billy Ray Cyrus tunes as well, which I think ultimately leads to his demise because you can't be a bad ass one day and look like you have an achy breaky heart the next. 

If you haven't seen this movie, I suggest you rent it.  Hell, they even have it out on Blu-Ray because its awesomeness could not be contained on just VHS and DVD.  It's got it all; booze, boobs, bouncers, karate, blind guys playing guitar, corny jokes and cliches.  What's not to love?

RIP Patrick Swazye - here's to breaking tables with faces in heaven. 

Image linked from Wikipedia (

Monday, October 18, 2010

DVR is my new best friend

Here at the CHristory Channel, DVR is the new badass in the house. It lets me record Pawn Stars while the wife watches her show at 10pm. I'm not sure how I have lasted this long without one.

Today while watching my recorded episode, I saw a preview for a new show called American Restoration. Will I watch this show? You bet your American Picker I will. It's got the guy that restores stuff on Pawn Stars and it looks like he will just be fixing up a lot of old crap. This means I kind of get a combo of American Pickers and Pawn Stars all in one show. I'm excited.

Just when I think they can't possibly make a new show that I would watch... they do it again.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Steven Seagal Lawman = Badass

Unfortunately Steven Seagal Lawman is not on the History Channel, but it is on the CHristory Channel.  I grew up watching all of those Seagal movies like Hard to Kill, Above the Law and Under Siege.  And to find out he's a sheriff?  Bad ass.

If I ever got arrested by Steven Seagal I would probably act like these people on the show.  They are happy to have him handcuffing them.  I wonder if they are afraid of a karate chop to the neck or a leg sweep.  I would not be afraid of his little hand slappy thing though.  You know what I'm talking about if you've seen Above the Law.

He never did get the respect that Chuck Norris got, what with all the different "there's a fist under his beard"-isms.  I'd like to see this happen before I die.  Hopefully it is not at the end of a roundhouse though.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Strip Clubs and Swamp People

I shared a little piece of wisdom this weekend. I don't recall it clearly, but it went a little something like this: There's nothing like some AC/DC and some boobs in your face. After paying for that with a hangover and drinking about 10 bottles of water it's time for a Sunday Swamp People marathon.

I am fascinated by the way the people in Louisiana talk on this show. It is like if I mumbled with cottage cheese in my mouth. Sometimes they have to subtitle it. And yet I can pretty much figure out what they are saying. I enjoy this show but for some reason it always makes me think of calamari.

Sometimes... so do strip clubs.

Monday, October 4, 2010

American Pickers is my retirement plan

Maybe it isn't realistic, but I think it would be awesome to go around doing what the guys on American Pickers do. This weeks episode called "Mikes Breakdown" had some old hippy named Mushroom (hmm...coincidence?) appraising some old printing press. Some of this junk is worth more money than I would even believe. In any case lord knows when I think of hippies, I think of a crazy looking dude named Mushroom.

If I had a farm or a good piece of land I would probably have a ton of junk laying around. It would embarrass the wife but I would be perfectly happy. Maybe in retirement...

Unfortunately Pawn Stars is a rerun. I'm still a Pawn Star.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Ice Road Truckers is a poor Sunday marathon

IRT is not a good choice for a Sunday marathon. At least not 12 hours worth of it. Mix in some Civil War stuff or maybe some Pawn Star reruns. It's hard for me to get excited about watching some old dudes driving semis in the snow over and over again.

Maybe next Sunday they can have a marathon of old dudes raking leaves or maybe something about how golf balls are made. Ice Road Truckers should have been done after one season in my opinion.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Elevator Floozie

No good shows to kick this thing off, so I will start off with an original true life CHristory story.

Today as our group got into the elevator to go to lunch, we had no idea we would meet the "elevator floozie". As the door shut, 8 dudes were in that box with a seemingly nice business lady, probably in her 50's, from the office next door. Until she said "oh yes look at me the only girl in here with all these boys!". We automatically informed her that the youngest of us was standing next to her and she jumped on him like a lion on a gazelle.

She asked if he was legal and if she could break him in. My laughter was still stifled until she told him she "doesn't bite hard... At first". When he started to blush the elevator door opened and we were free of the cougar. I noticed her Grateful Dead tattoos by her ankles as we left the elevator and thought "that crazy old hippie broad is someones mom".

I would call this show Elevator Floozie: The Greatest Generation.